Sarah´s thoughts on the video shoot...  
Words fail me when I try to express what has happened to us the last 5 days. We feel like the luckiest band in the world right now because of all the amazing people we have met and worked with. Most of these people didn´t know us but took a chance and if I knew how to pay them back, I would do it! I´m trying to convince Dave to sell one of his legs or kidneys on ebay to help pay these people! I´m not sure if he is overly excited about this concept but I have full backing from everyone! So Dave! Get off ya arse and get selling!
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Wednesday 19th April

So it all starts with getting up early! 6.30am for Toni, 8.30am for Dave and 9am for me! I´m the lucky one huh! We have a very long travel day ahead before we get to Sundsvall. I´ve brought a new camcorder to get everyones nasty habbits and wonderfull early morning fashional looks! Thank god I´m filming! Haha! They wont catch me on cam, waking up with dribble hanging down my mouth! ;)
After a long car journey, 2 flight and 2 bus rides, we arrive at midnight! Tired and dying for a cuppa! We sit up and chat till 2am and it´s Toni and I who seem to be shitting ourselves about all this! All the guys seem fine! We get to see the script tonight. Based around the idea's that I originally had, Måns, our producer stroak director has come up with an amazing storey board and its not untill we start that it starts to sink in just how lucky we are!
So i´ts time for bed and Dave, Toni and I share a room and we are like a bunch of kids! Joking, making fun of Dave and not fully understand just how hard the next few days will be and how damn cold it´s gonna be! Yep! No sleep till we get home!

Thursday 20th April

We get a bit of a lay in! Little Saga is up early to film the church scenes with actor Pierre Ragnehag who plays the priest! I was told he was a bit sleezy but I thought he was rather hot for an older man! Hehe The first thing I ask is if we will all get touched up! Well, Dave wanted to know! Have no idea why! So this church! It´s amazing! It looks so pure. Although I´m not religious I think churches are beautifull and people who go around trying to destroy them should be locked up for a long time because regardless of what you believe or don´t believe, it´s about respect and they are amazing! I´m so glad the church we had wasn´t a gothic type because this pure white master piece suited us and the theme we had 100%. We even had a full 35-piece choir arranged! And watching them sing my lyrics! I was so proud and I admit, it brought a tear to my eye.

Saga, only being 5 years old was so well patient! Did everything that was required and didn´t complain or cry. She was the perfect little angel!
During the course of this very long day, we all had to go into make up! We had to do the band shots later that evening and this was the part I was so worried about seeing as I still couldn´t remember all my lyrics! Opps! Roswitha, our make artist was one of the most wonderful women I had met in a long time. She is the only one in sweden to have her own registered make up school and she was helping us for free. We couldn´t have done this without her. It looked like we weren´t even wearing much make up (I think the guys may have been a bit worried about looking like girls, apart from Dave who is used to wearing lipstick) but it´s all about the shadows and dark circles and in my case, the 2 chins! ;)

She worked so hard on Toni and I and me being the front woman, I knew people would be ready to critise me, so I let her go crazy on me regardless of what any one thought! It´s me that has to live with the final product huh! You get in the chair feeling like a normal woman and come out feeling like a million dollars! Well, apart from Toni! Who had cuts and bruises all over her and even the slit wrists were so real! I did offer to save Roswitha some time by allowing us to drive down the motorway and throw Toni out of the car naked! But Toni said she didn´t feel too well that day, so she wasn´t up for it! Oh well! Maybe tomorrow!

So after Saga's long hard day, it was us! Next! To finally play as a band! Oh! I`ve forgotten to mention the drummer! John! From My Own Grave. The first time I met him was today, getting his make up done haha! Poor guy! He seemed nice and totally fitted the band. I had never heard him play untill we played "God Has A Plan" for the first time and I didn`t really have an opinion because I was so nervous myself. It wasn´t untill Chris and Tommy came up to me and said "You know, he is incredible, he has memorised every beat on the drum kit, every hit within 4 days"...then I realised what we had! He took a chance with us and now we are the ones damanding he stays with us, til death do us part John! ;)
So back to us playing! Måns comes up to us after our first attempt of playing as a band! "Er... it was good but you are all a bit stiff"! Totally understandable though, it was our first time playing the song and when the singer is still forgetting lyrics! Well! We keep playing the song till we loosen up and get it right and it didn´t take long, maybe 5 takes and damn, it felt so right! All my fears that had been building up over the month, they had gone! This felt so right! Why had it taken me so long to get my arse into fronting a band! Now I think what a waste! I should have done this years ago. There were so many people watching us that I didnt know, so I thought "Ok, it´s like a real show, so fuck it, I´ve got to give it everything" and I feel I did! I didnt want it to stop! My fears had gone and we feel it went so well. People had given us so much of their free time and Måns putting his name on the line for us, we had to give them something back! Our energy! Our passion and I know he was happy with us! We owe him so much! (Dave... get selling the second leg also!)
It was running very late now, we were tired and poor Toni! She was just about ready now for her scene on the alter. Just to give the same kinda image thats on the front cover of the album and damn, she reminded me of some kinda Zombie angel! The stain glass windows had been lite up from outside by very powerfull spot lights on cranes and then the light beamed from behind her, that gay tear that had been hiding in my eye fell! She looked stunning but in a sick way! Everything looked so professionall! I don´t know how we have landed on our feet like this, first with the album and now this? We had we done to have such lovely people around us? By the time we get home, it´s late and we don´t get to bed till 3am... Friday will be a very long day for Toni and little Saga, the band can relax till Saturday!
Friday 21st April

Toni has to be up very early today because this is when we start shooting the sucide scenes. This place is nasty! I mean, looks like a horror movie set, reminds me a bit of SAW. It´s grim! With a lot of suicide and death history here, it´s perfect! Its freezing also because most of the windows have been smashed, all the doors either gone or broken off, no heating and no electricity. This place has been abandoned for around 15 years and has rot and mold running up the walls. Yep! This is not the place you would want to take your loved ones to on a romantic date! They have to re-wire parts of the building where we are filming for obvious reasons and we manage to get some heaters to stop us freezing to death but the poor crew.... Didn´t complain once! I think it was just me and Toni!

Most of Toni's scene's were in a bath. I think she hoped for a nice bubble bath! Instead she got pigs blood! They had to keep boiling up water so she would have to sit in cold water and the poor girl! She really went through it! In and out of the bath, in and out of make up! Into freezing cold rooms! Back into a semi warm bath! She didnt get sick but it was painfull for her. She also got the chance to smash up things! She got the good stuff! I wanted to smash things up damnit! Of course I don´t want to go into much detail to give the video away, I mean, you should all know by now the video is based around the self destruction of a young girl, which leads to her suicide due to the years of sexual abuse she incured in her church.
I suppose the video may offend people but it´s not meant to! Unless you are of course guilty yourself!? It´s meant to open people's eyes! It doesn´t matter what position you hold in the community, you CAN have a side to you that know one knows about. It´s not meant to say that every priest is a child abuser either and we are honored we had the church backing us on this issue! but i know many people who will see this video, and read the lyrics, will all know someone who has been abused or even raped. The consequence is most abusers and rapest walk away! Free! The victim is left to deal with the memory. I´m sure some kids are going to find this funny, untill they come across this situation themselves of course, then it´s not so funny. Although nothing bad has happened to Toni is her past, she played the character so well and we are all so proud! I wanted to give Toni some space, so Dave and I went to the pub for a quick pint! Thats the excuse anyway haha! The weather is so lovely now the snow is melting and I feel it will be sad to go home.
Saturday 22nd April

Ok.. Now Dave and I have to be up early! Damnit! 7am because we film all the other band shoots now! This place is so cold ,if only you knew! Everyone suggests that on the next album I write a song about getting a sun tan and relaxing on the beach in a hot country! Think it´s a damn good idea. Back into make up, this time different style! I´ve gone for the angry ewok look today! Took ages to put my hair up! We will again, play through the song in one of the nicely decorated rooms and on cam, once again it looks amazing... Lots of close ups and oh my! It´s still daunting!
I have to have lots of blankets on me cause I just cant stand this cold. Most of us are shivering so much. I so badly want coffee but there is no toilet here! Can´t win! And the nearest toilet is a walk away and this asylum is in a very bad area!
As we were filming some immigrants has attempted to steal one of the Rehn brothers motorbike, they were seen doing it and were chased by Chris and some friends in the crew, and they gave up and threw the bike to the ground and ran away before they could catch them. Lucky for Michael! But you cant really walk around on your own! So looks like I´m back to pissing myself again! Just like the old days!

Måns kindly directs me to a room where I can get changed and explains "This is where one of the patients hung himself"... I decided not to change there... Didn`t feel too good! Regardless of what this place used to represent, the whole feeling is overwelming! We spend so long waiting around to play and it does take so much time and when we are told "Ok, that´s it! We have everything" its kinda sad.
The last lot of scene's were once again Saga handing flowers to Toni as she is dying in the bath after cutting her wrists. It´s sad, especially if you can relate to what we are trying to show. Again, I´m not going to say much more now! This is long enough. Filming finally finishes at 10.30pm and I´m just choaked up! Don´t know what to say or feel because it´s the end but I do get emotional because everyone has worked so long and hard to make this possible for us! I hate goodbyes! Never have liked them because I know this is now just a memory!
Måns comes into the room and we all gather round, he says how amazing we have all been and you can´t help the tears! Toni and I both had frogs in our throats, I think most of us did! It`s people like this you know you will never ever forget! So many names I havent mentioned but just as important! So now all is left is for me to marry Måns! Maybe that`s not the best way of paying him back! Haha! Dave's body parts are not selling very well on ebay! Which I think is very selfish! Maybe I can sell his face off as an ash tray?? Ok... Enough said about Dave!

We couldnt have done this with out him, John or Toni! And by the looks of it, we may finally have a stable line up guys! So the least I can do is make them pay for their bus fare's home ;)
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